Struggling

crying crying crying

i dont even know, how i overcome the hardship during SPM, Matriculation and Degree.
What i know, the last struggle that i find so beautiful in it ~is only during PMR

the rest, i dont even know, how i manage to survive.

UPSR
and i dont really remember what i am studying during UPSR, well, i did some tuition, and i love math still hatin science. my math teacher, Pn Koh is super awesome, shes really legend.
"balik rumah tanam anggur' 'malu saja' ahha, thats her way of delivering some thought on us,

PMR
i love the way i fight myself during PMR,

i was so into the books, i could make myself woke up early in the morning, just to find myself doing so much exercises on History, Geography subject, trying my best to answer the question correctly and have good mark for it

Earlier on, history is total disaster for me, i dont like it, maybe because at that time, my teacher didnt show whats make history so lovable, until Cikgu Fadzly came by and show the other side of history. then i start reading and practice the past year exam paper. All praises to Allah, i manage to 'love' this subject

Geography, come in handy, because i vividly remember how passion my geography teacher, she insist us doing exercise everyday. gosh. really pressure at first. but something good about it is.
'when u get used to answer the question, again and again,, u'll remember the question and the answer, thus, u'll answer confidently. so that how my geography subject went by.

English
i am so into improving my english (well, my english is not that good from years before til today-my grammar is totally out of order) i remember, everytime i hand my essay to my teacher, She will return the essay with lots of red mark all over, all along my sentence. Nevertheless, i chose to did the right way, 3 month before my PMR. i will make sure that every week, i will sent her my essay. just to make sure that ill improve myself. i will look over the idioms and any quotes so that i can put in into my essay. She help me a lot, gave me motivation and how i should write.alhamdulillah.

i hate science, like seriously hate it. but at the last month before my PMR, i make outrageous decision, i have to do something with my science.i buy exercise book, which i know, i wont able to finish it,, i remember abah bring me to that kedai, just so i can buy the book. and i did do the study.. i dont really hope for A in this subject, even for my english subject, coz i know myself really well. and i know, it really hard at that time.i wont be able to survive

i dont really worry much about math, because, i am so in love with mathematics. really LOVE it, alhamdulillah,

so, my dream and every other PMR student dream is to score all A. yes, i dream it and hope for the best result.

and i dont really believe that my dream comes true,that day. and alhamdulillah, i manage to get all As
even for science and english. something that really unexpected, consider my way of writing essay and so limited vocabulary as well as bad grammar. science, i dont have to say anything, it just, i manage to get A coz Allah allows me and help me, and my mom dua.

something i realize about those struggle is,
 i could remember each struggle that i face it ~up to today. eventhough the PMR chapter is so decades back.

SPM
 i dont really remember much the struggle on my SPM,
math, add math- i really love it, so, not so big deal for me, (only for english, coz i really work out to improve

my english-with the help of my teacher, Miss Nora, teacher Salbiah and Mentor, Farahin, however, the struggle only meant for exam purpose, thats why my english still bad, grr). and still, alhamdulillah, i manage to have a so so result.

for history,i dont really put myself, thats why only manage to gets A2, i even slept during the examination, coz i dont really know how to answer. i wonder if i really did study back then.

 i hate things that require memorization, biology, chemistry, even islamic education, woooo, like serious. i didnt like it. and at that time i really hate physics. (well i hate science-generally) i even swear that i wont even touch any physics book again.

but, Allah knows better, i am Physics student during my matrix life.

MATRIX
my matrix, i have so much fun, that makes me forget how beautiful i cherish my PMR life back then, how i am so into academics.

 coz, i hate the struggle i face during boarding school. i hate that life.Matrix really gave me a new perspective about how i chose to cherish my student life by hedonism, and i really love it. that age. when korea really matters.

UNI
and i still continue study physic for my uni life.
even in my postgraduate.
i hate physics but Allah knows better why i am here.
i start love physics, but somehow, now i still looking what makes physics looks lovely.
coz i already demotivated.

i love the struggle that i do to pursue my study
but i hate the struggle to even start wondering why i pursue my study

i hate the struggle of me on to even have passion to do my research.
i miss my struggle to achieve success during my PMR. coz that struggle is really beautiful.
i miss the passion i have for studying, burning the midnight oil. the passion and love i have at that time.

but the struggle that i get to face today is only, the struggle between myself. jihadun nafs.to even open and read any journal. to even think about how i am gonna wake up, the struggle that always makes me sleeping.